I did not think the seemingly ordinary decision to go to church would result in me, again, feeling the effects of PTSD. But several Sundays ago, it did.
The weekend had been long. Between wedding events, social events, and family events, my boyfriend and I logged over 600 road miles in four days.
600 miles. We drove to Oklahoma, back to Fort Worth, and then to Waco all without a hitch. Both of us are safe drivers, which keeps any worried thoughts at bay, a relief that has become familiar now that it has been over a year since my car accident.
And we almost made it back to Fort Worth on Sunday morning scotch-free. Almost.
We were literally in Fort Worth’s city limits, and I had increased the speed in my sporty SUV so that we could make the 10 o’clock service at our local church. We were running late, but as the seconds ticked by, so did the miles. We knew we could make it, certainly.
As I pushed the pedal, my SUV breezed past the slower cars with ease. That is, until I saw the brake lights.
They appeared slowly at first, and then all of a sudden. In a matter of seconds, we were all at a complete stop, waiting for the next opportunity to inch forward.
And inch forward, we did. The restless seconds grew into impatient minutes. Sirens grew louder until one, then two cops sped past in the left shoulder, slowing down not too far ahead of us.
That’s when I knew. An accident had just occurred, only minutes – seconds, possibly – before. Cars began moving into the far right lane, so I knew the scene was just a few cars ahead.
Then, the mix of traffic cleared, and I saw it.
An older gray car, upside down, the hood smashed against asphalt, appeared. Glass fragments scattered across I-20, the window of the driver’s side now absent. Two girls sat against the concrete barrier in the right-hand shoulder, their heads buried into their elbows. Police officers motioned for cars to slide right past the car, right past the…
Blood. Crimson tainted the road now directly before me. My heart quivering and hands slick against the wheel, I again inched forward, this time driving over someone’s blood, lifeless and dull against the concrete.
And then we kept driving, my thoughts flashing back to the scene as I pictured that smashed car, the blood, and the distraught family. The image caused me to send a prayer up to God for that family, for their feelings of terror still resounded in my own chest as I remembered my own accident in the summer of 2015.
PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. If you’re anything like I was, you may associate PTSD with war veterans alone, and for good reason. Men who serve our country through military service experience more than I could ever fathom; I am grateful for their commitment to serve our country, no matter the physical, emotional, or mental repercussions.
PTSD, though, affects more than those who serve in war. Many other things can traumatize people, from horrific events like abuse or assault of any kind to car accidents, to name only a few strands of PTSD. And my experiences around car accidents have proven that they are scary. Even for people who do not have any lasting injuries, the incidents are still traumatic.
I am not sure how long car accidents will cause my heart to race, tears to jump from my eyes, and sweat to pop up on my hands. But I do know that I am not alone. I know that others have experienced the terror of car accidents. I know that many tools have helped me re-orient panicked thoughts onto peace. And I know that Jesus is ready to comfort me when I pass more mangled cars.
“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33). When I start to feel nervous while passing an accident, praying turns my attention to the God of peace. Turning on worship music reminds me that God is sovereign. And recalling His healing hand over my own accident assures me that God heals, comforts, and provides.
If you have also been in an accident, know that PTSD symptoms are natural responses. Take comfort that you aren’t crazy for responding to car accidents the way you do. And if you have not been in an accident, I petition you to not brush off car accidents as if they are so normal that they do not actually affect people. PTSD is a real reaction to real emotions and real tragedies. Please do not take it lightly.
Finally, know that despite the trauma, God heals. Even though I still react over a year after my traumatic wreck, the emotions do not last as long as they used to. God continually alleviates my worried thoughts and brings me peace. No matter what the struggle, God provides peace. And we have this peace because Jesus entered into our chaos. He took on the worry and pain of a broken world so that we may have life. When we feel overwhelmed, we know that the God of peace reigns, and we can trust that His peace is ultimately, supremely comforting.
