Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I make the long trek from Fort Worth to Dallas for my practicum/internship site. This long drive means I spend about two hours (depending on The Dreaded Dallas Traffic) three days per week in my car. So, last week, I decided to change how I spend my time on the road. Instead of talking on the phone or listening to music, I decided to start praying. Good idea, right? Pray while driving. See what happens, right?
This dedication to focus on Jesus lasted a total of two days before my car died.
I was making the normal trek over to Dallas and praying throughout, but as I turned onto the last road before my workplace, my gas pedal stopped working. I tried pressing down with my right foot, only to hear my car grind its gears, to no avail. Thankfully, I was near my destination, so I floated my car onto the next road, where I parked on an uphill slope (not my most brilliant idea ever). My co-workers came out to help push my car into a parking lot (which was quite the sight – about 10 female counselors pushing my poor Nissan up a hill), but that was last Wednesday, and I still do not have a definite answer as to what is wrong.
Praying while driving – that was what was supposed to teach me dependence on God. NOT my car breaking down.
Lately, I have been thinking that every problem in the world dwindles down to two things: selfishness and control. Both concepts go hand-in-hand and both encompass the epitome of sin. But even though I have been considering and acknowledging this epiphany, I have also failed at fighting against these two responses when it comes to my car.
Because I want answers. I know it’s something with the transmission, but I want to know if Nissan will cover it or if I’ll have to get a new car. I want to be driving again, either my car or any car that accelerates, really. I’m tired of Uber-ing and asking for people for rides. I am tired of depending on other people for such a simple task of getting from one location to the next. I want to do things on my own – be the independent woman that I am.
No, I did not want to learn dependence this way.
But God.
But God answered my prayers. God is answering my prayers. He is providing for me one day at a time. I am not sure how I will get to school two days from now, but I do know that He has already provided friends and classmates who willingly and freely offer me a 15-minute ride from home to school or vice versa.
He is teaching me how to let go of my control instincts. He is growing my dependence on Him. He is opening my eyes to see that control is really an illusion and that it’s okay. God is showering me with grace and provision even while I mentally kick and scream against my need of it.
But I need God. I have to trust that His control is better than mine. I have to relinquish my selfishness that manifests in my control issues, and I have to let Him show off. Because He is good at sovereignty. He is good at provision.
And He is good at grace. He graced us on the cross when He took on all of our control issues, died for them, and defeated them three days later. He sacrificed willingly so that we can know the sweet surrender of trusting His plan.
I didn’t want to learn this through a broken car, but I am glad I am. Because Jesus was broken for me. Because Jesus puts the broken pieces of me back together. Because Jesus knows better and is better.
Trust Him with me. Pray in your car, even if it breaks down afterward. Dependence on Him is better than dependence on yourself. Always.
P.S. I didn’t take a picture of my broken car because I thought I would get it back the same day, so the featured photo is just for aesthetic purposes. 🙃
